Who’d pay $99 to smell like Donald Trump? Eau d’Insurrection, anyone…?

I thought the most outlandish celebrity-scented product I’d see in my lifetime was Gwyneth Paltrow marketing a candle called This Smells Like My Vagina on her website Goop for $75. He may be a legendary “ontry-preneurre”, but Trump doesn’t seem to have clocked that people who make fortunes out of scent always hitch their wagons to indisputably fragrant celebs, like Keira Knightley, Adam Driver, Juliette Binoche and Marilyn Monroe. The marketing men wisely steer clear of trying to fully describe the weird, homunculus gold Trump head that is the “collector’s cap” for the bottle. Although I like to think that thousands of years from now, a traveller from an antique land will stumble across it, noting the golden quiff which yet survives and the label that announces: “Inhale my cologne, ye Mighty, and despair!” Women aren’t excluded from Trump’s cedar-hearted munificence, although the femme version comes with a golden “T” top – meaning the ladies can’t pull off the Donald’s head every time they want to spritz a little Eau d’Insurrection. Every photograph of the Trump products on sale come with the disclaimer: “The images shown are for illustration purposes only and may not be an exact representation of the product.” Furthermore, you’re asked to part with your cash for products that won’t be shipped until June 2024.