6 Questions To Ask Instead Of ‘How Are You?’, According To Therapists

LOADING ERROR LOADING When you ask a friend “How are you?” you usually get a short, surface-level response, some variation of: I’m fine. “People not only need to feel that the other person truly wants to know how they are doing,” said Los Angeles marriage and family therapist Abigail Makepeace, “But they also need to know that confiding in someone else will not scare them away.” What To Ask Instead Of ‘How Are You?’ 1. “Prefacing the question signals to the other person that you’re truly invested in their reply and that you’re eager to hear whatever it is that they feel comfortable sharing,” Makepeace said. “Providing ‘feeling state phrases’ can help your friend begin the process of verbalizing their experiences,” Makepeace said. “Other times, we actually need support in figuring out a strategy, path forward, or ways to cope.” “The slight modifications signal to us that it’s OK to shift a bit away from the standard ‘good’ or ‘fine’ answers, and acknowledge, perhaps, that we are not ‘good’ or ‘fine’ in general right now.” - Kathleen Dahlen deVos, psychotherapist In the same vein, ask if there’s anything you can do to help.