This Childhood Behavior May Lead To People-Pleasing

Peter Dazeley via Getty Images High-achieving children may be seeking to please their parents or win their love and approval. As Kathleen Schlegel, a licensed marriage and family therapist in Philadelphia, explained: “A parent’s happiness and/or approval becomes a priority over their own thoughts or feelings.” If kids get the sense that a parent’s love is somehow conditional, they may go to greater lengths trying to secure it. “A parent that doesn’t have adult peers,” she said, may “start to rely on their kids for that emotional support.” A child might then come to believe they have to be there for a parent in every single way possible and that it’s their job to regulate the parent’s emotions. According to Seltzer, Schlegal and Sagaram, such signs might include: Being more organized than expected for a child Trying to placate or appease their caretakers Forcing themselves to smile Jumping to volunteer to do things most kids would try to avoid Being unable or unwilling to state their own preferences when asked Frequently asking for permission Frequently checking in with parents, as in, “I just want to make sure this is OK” Separation anxiety when leaving their parents Social anxiety at events with peers Preferring to stay home rather than engage in extracurricular activities or spend time with peers Of course, not all signs of parent-pleasing are inherently negative. Something else to avoid is calling a child “selfish.” “That’s a pretty severe warning to the child that they’ll risk parental approval or rejection if they adhere to their wants and needs,” Seltzer said.