Holly Willoughby: 'I felt numb and adrift'

Stellar career, loving marriage, three gorgeous kids…HOLLY WILLOUGHBY really did have it all. For years Holly’s hectic life involved hosting not only This Morning and Dancing on Ice, but also bringing up her three children – Harry, 12, Belle, ten, and Chester, seven – all of which meant she had no time to connect ‘with what I wanted or needed’. ‘I stumbled across all these different places that offered tarot readings and kinesiology and I thought, “I’m going to do everything and see what happens.” And there was – not an awakening, because when you say things like that people think you’re completely mad – but an opening up. Someone said, “It’s a hormonal thing,” but it wasn’t, it’s just that I had taken off a filter.’ One example of unexpected rage was when her husband of 14 years, TV executive Dan Baldwin, 46, asked, ‘Why are you watching this s*** on TV?’ Holly says, ‘He didn’t mean anything by it, but the rage I’d feel was disproportionate because I was thinking, “You think I’m crap because I’m watching crap.” Then I’d think, “That’s interesting, I’ve worked out what’s going on here without having a therapist in the room.” Anger is a brilliant emotion because it cuts through bulls*** and if you can work out where it comes from it can be very revealing.’ Holly with co-host and best friend Phillip Schofield at the National Television Awards in September It helped that Holly’s children were becoming more independent, leaving time for introspection. I knew I wanted to be a mum and as I grew up in the country I thought, “Well, that was perfect – I’ll do that.” But life had this different plan.’ With her daughter Belle Instead, Holly became a teenage model after being spotted by a scout at The Clothes Show Live event aged just 14.