Understand why you get defensive and learn from a confrontation

A friend calls you out on a bad-taste joke. "If you feel compelled to act, that's a sure-fire sign that you are in defensive mode, so even more reason to pull the pin and check in with yourself," says Melbourne-based clinical psychologist Jacqueline Baulch. If the other person is making their point in a particularly aggressive way or contemptuous way, "you might want to request that the person reframes it in a way that's easier for you to hear", says Dr Carrangis, suggesting a principle from The Gottman Method of couples therapy. Another tip: if you've taken on someone's feedback and you'd like to offer your own in return, "the word to avoid is 'but', as in 'yeah, but you always do that'", says Mr Whitnall. Instead, try "and, what would be better next time is…" Explaining yourself without getting defensive It's possible to stand up for yourself without getting defensive.