Help! I Just Discovered My Husband’s Detailed List About How to “Handle” Me.

Dear Prudence is Slate’s advice column. I have learned that my husband has been writing all those instances down as a list: “take kids out every day so she has alone time; don’t bring up kids conflicts to her; don’t compare her to you she may feel judged; don’t talk about her—even things that seem neutral are at risk of being viewed as negative when heard by her, therefore only talk about her in a positive light; don’t tease her; always give her 100 percent attention when talking; don’t share vulnerabilities with her, she doesn’t care and may use it in an insulting attack later.” The last one destroyed me. Give Prudie a Hand in “We’re Prudence” Sometimes even Prudence needs a little help. But whenever I mention this to my husband he gets sad and says, “I’m sorry I’m making you upset.” I don’t know what to do. “I know you have a lot on your mind, but I need you not to call me an asshole for forgetting to turn the dishwasher on or yell at our kid when she misplaced her lunch box” is a much more reasonable request than, “Stop being so stressed about this event with your mom, why are you even going, I can’t take it anymore!” Her emotional ups and downs as she anticipates seeing her mother, who she is actively choosing to see, are her business; her treatment of you is yours.